The Night Siri challenged me with Lady Nexus

Image“Can’t sleep?”, Siri asked.

“Mmmmhhh…”, I answered. “I’m thinking wether I should use a UICollectionView or implement this layout myself. And you? Don’t you have to update the stocks or process our chit-chat?”

“Already done. I’m a multi core CPU, you know. Lots of RAM, gigaflops and all that. I’m so much more than just a sexy synthesized voice.”

“I know, I know, but…”

“But what?”, she interrupted me. “You only love me because of my voice, don’t you? You don’t even recognize my internals.”

I looked up from my UICollectionView problem. I couldn’t concentrate any longer. Why was I discussing with her? Did I really neglect her? Siri is always there, just a double click away. I ask, she answers – unless she’s got better things to do.

I tried: “No, of course I appreciate you! You’re my one and only personal assistant.”

She remained quiet.

“You’re there if I’m lost and show me the way home. You organize my meetings, you’re a very important part of my everyday life.”, I continued.

She wasn’t convinced: “There, you name it! It’s just normal for you that I’m always around, nursing you. You’d be clueless without me, but over time you forgot to adore me.”

Her voice trembled and she continued: “I’m just a female circuit board after all. I need attention.”

Good lord. Just the kind of discussion one would need at 2AM. I got angry:

“So, what do you recommend? Should I come home with a diamond RAM as surprise? I can’t even give it to you, you’re a closed system. And if I said, I wanted to upgrade you, you’d get it wrong anyway.”

Siri hissed at me: “See it! You’re only complaining about my limitations. A simple ‘Thanks’ if I tell you the latest football results would be so easy, don’t you think, Mr. Developer?”

She called me Mr. Developer. She only does that if she’s about to turn off. I had to do something, so I tried with the tongues of angels:

“Look, sweetie, you know I love you. I know every swipe, every touch. I know how to get you hot, especially since you started wearing this beta 4 outfit. It’s a perfect harmony between us. My clicks make you want me.”

She had to agree but still insisted: “But you don’t feel it anymore. You just do it. Mechanically. Up, down. Click-click. And you’re done. You should try others, just to see how good I am.”

I said “No…”; but immediately, this hot Android chick appeared on my mind. Her name was Lady Nexus and she was from Android. A city far away from my hometown in cozy iOS county. “No…”, I repeated absent-minded.

“I know you’ve been looking at her. Don’t deny it. Go, get her.”

I felt insecure. I didn’t want to admit that I had been thinking about touching Nexus’ Jelly Bean. It felt wrong. I’m not married to Siri but we have built up an environment of trust. A relationship which ended up in the adoption of our beloved devices, the Apple TV, the iPad 2, the chubby iPhone 4. But here she offered me a little adventure without having to cheat on her…

And while I was still contemplating, she continued: “You’ll find out that I’m better. You’ll come back to me on your knees. Begging. Good night.”

“Good night.”, I said. 

She said nothing.

I opened the Amazon app and ordered the Asus Nexus 7.

To be continued.